Flaky Fables – Imaginary quotes

Published 6:01 pm Wednesday, October 14, 2020

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An ancient historian once suggested “great triumphs should be recorded” Since then, when anyone did something important, a reporter wrote it down.

Then audio and video got invented. After that, the newsperson simply pointed a microphone or camera at famous people.

If the celebrity said something good, it made the nightly news. If the quote was something unexpected, it might become a “blooper,” and could be replayed frequently…sometimes even at parties.

Here’s the point: If we had current technology a long time ago, we could have recorded these famous sayings. (Unfortunately, since we didn’t, I had to make them up.)

“Excuse me…is this the Far East?” – Columbus, on discovering the Bahamas.

“Honey, I’m starving. You heat up the stove, and I’ll ask the neighbors over for dinner.” – Melvin the Cannibal

“So, while I was asleep under the tree, an apple fell on my head. I shall call it ‘concussion.’”—Isaac Newton, before he thought of the word “gravity.”

“How about we just eat ducks?  I can’t get these dang turkeys in the pot.” – Pilgrim chef.

“Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary, over some old catalog I had tossed out once before…”—first draft of “The Raven.”

“What do you think this is? A quick-print shop?” – Gutenberg, to an early printing customer.

“C’mon, masked man. Let’s duel. On guard!!! Hey…where’s my nose?” – Zorro’s fencing partner.

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Rix Quinn is a syndicated columnist and author of the column, Flake Fables. He doesn’t want your chickens, but he might appreciate it if you contact him at rix@rixquinn.com.