Rebel With a Clause: Rachel’s Rules for Life – there will be a test

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, July 24, 2002


Like most people these days, checking my e-mail has become a normal daily routine. Such a large amount of my human communication is Internet-based.

Friends from away write me-it’s cheaper than calling, my bank account can be accessed – to tell me exactly how much I spent at the outlet mall last weekend, and information from school can be reviewed via the “www” world.

It seems that now, a person’s success can be gauged by the number of new messages in his inbox. Some people even “have people” to discard trivial messages for them!

We are cycling downward into a keyboard-driven, monitor-staring, computer-thriving society. Who needs telephones and automobiles?

We can avoid rush hour traffic, sit at home in our pajamas, and eat cheese puffs while conducting cell phone conferences and e-mail spreadsheets from our laptops.

I see so many e-mails, but some of them do stick with me. I can’t read them all, of course, but I can’t resist reading one of those wretched forwards now and then.

I generally despise the ones that insist you do not love God unless you send it to 2,000 other people. It’s pretty ridiculous. My favorite was the one that said Bill Gates would personally send you a $2 million check for using MSN and forwarding the message. Classic.

In all seriousness, the ones I really like are those “rules of life” type things.

I’d like to share a few “Rachel Rules of Life.” They are all original and were in no way copied and pasted, I promise. Enjoy and please forward to the next 46,382 people you have on your contact list – if you don’t want to have bad luck forever.

1. Interuppting is not only rude, it is unneccesary. Wait your turn, and save your breath.
2. Do not ever, no matter what the circumstance, twirl your chewing gum with your finger. The nasty, chewed-up gunk can never see the light of day.
3. When in a public environment, never, ever walk backward with your head turned slightly to the side. You will surely run into someone. And if it’s me, I will be very angry.
4. Never jog down (or up) the steps of a stadium. More than likely you will slip. Others will find it hilarious. You will not.
5. Don’t even think you can laugh while eating nachos. Those little pointy tortilla chips will stab your throat and make your eyes water like they did in “My Girl” when Thomas Jay lost his glasses.
6. Never hang up on the person you are fighting with. It is only a temporary solution, and more than likely, it will just make the other person angrier.
7. Sing loudly to the radio when you are driving alone. It makes the drive fun and entertains the cars around you.
8. But do not pick your nose (when driving alone) because the kid in the backseat driving past you will always catch you.
9. Speaking of driving, don’t leave your blinker on after a turn you made 10 miles back. It annoys people (like me).
10. Don’t cut in line. This is very simple – a skill learned in kindergarden, but often disregarded. It makes people mad and isn’t fair.
11. Speaking of lines, don’t bring 17 items into the 15-item lane at Winn Dixie. You can count. Besides, my loaf of bread and carrot sticks won’t take up any time at all.
12. Turn off your cell phone in church. I know it’s easy to forget, but that’s not the way I want to hear God calling.
13. Telephone your parents and grandparents. They like to hear from you. It’s the least you can do for everything they have done.
14. Sleep in Saturday mornings. Even if it is chore day, you deserve to be lazy once a week.
15. Eat ice cream for dinner at least once a month. It keeps you young and provides excellent sources of calcium and protein, never mind the sugar.
16. Go to the park, and feed the ducks. There’s no better use for stale bread and not much that is quite as fun.
17. Drink lemonade in the summertime. It’s just the right thing to do.

RACHEL HARRIS is a summer reporter intern for L’Observateur. She may be contacted at (985) 652-9545.