MARY ANN FITZMORRIS

If it doesn’t fit, wear it anyway Last month, as I was lying in bed with ice on my throbbing, swollen foot, I had a lot of time to think about why I was lying in bed with a throbbing, swollen foot. It was a preventable injury. At first, the doctor did not believe my original diagnosis, but he later concluded that I was right. Simply put, I couldn’t walk because of a pair of shoes. The tendon in the ball of my foot was separated from the bone by my wearing a shoe half a size too big. I would have bought the right size, but the store was out. It was a great sale, and they were so cute! My daughter was amazed such a simple mistake could wreak that kind of havoc. She came in to my bedroom for a more complete explanation of this situation. While we talked she noticed that I was really overflowing the brassiere I was wearing. A puzzled look crossed her face as she stared at my chest. “Mommy, do they even make anything in your size?” “Yes, they do,” I replied, “but I just can’t bring myself to buy it.” I looked where her eyes were fixed. No wonder she was mesmerized; it was quite a sight! My mind wandered to something I had read not long ago, something which made me feel a little less silly. A small news article reported a shocking statistic. It seems, 80 percent of women are wearing a bra size that is too small! I can explain this. A 44DD sounds great, but not all 44DDs are created equal. When the bra size is a 44DD and the rest of the lady is normal, that’s Sophia Loren. Bellissimo! But when the bra size is 44DD and the rest of the lady matches, that’s Rosie O’Donnell. Yucko! As a matter of fact, after achieving a certain weight and/or age, all clothing must conform to the goal of not resembling Rosie O’Donnell in any way. Most women, as evidenced by the bra statistic, begin to play little mind games with themselves. These fantasies extend well beyond “foundations.” The very idea of “foundations” is telling. Does Elle MacPherson wear “foundations”? No. Indeed not! Elle MacPherson wears lingerie. Rosie O’Donnell wears “foundations.” See the difference? Delusions are required when a woman moves from lingerie to “foundations.” The article about ill-fitting bras didn’t mention anything else women might be wearing which just doesn’t fit. But there’s plenty. A friend of mine has a whole closet of brand new clothes, purchased – on sale, of course – for when she shrinks into it. Fortunately, her mother is that size, so the clothes haven’t gone to waste. And actually, not long ago, she was thrilled to have to borrow something back which she could suddenly stuff herself into. Some women are lucky enough or disciplined enough not to have to indulge in such complicated maneuvers. A few years ago I saw a special television program on haute couture hosted by the lovely Isabella Rossellini. She actually said, “Most women wear standard sizes…four, six, eight or even 10.” Isabella needs to get out more, I think. Too many consomme lunches with Kate Moss. In reality, the size of the “average” woman is edging toward 16. Way back when, probably before low-fat foods, the “average” woman was a size 12. Slowly we’ve inched passed 14, and now it’s closer to a 16. The truth is adults are growing even more than children. Men are expanding as much as women, but they seem able to psychologically adjust. They actually just purchase the size they need, regardless of obvious “growth spurts.” One guy I know, whose scale might as well be a metronome, has three wardrobes: one for when he’s up, one for when he’s down and the third for the journey. Another reason men wear the right size is that sales aren’t quite as alluring as they are to women. Sales are a female thing. Even little girls understand. My daughter and I recently passed a shoe department and some adorable sandals caught her eye, but they were the wrong size. “It’s OK, Mom, I can wear these,” she assured me as I noticed her toes hanging over the front. That’s my girl. MARY ANN FITZMORRIS writes this column regularly for L’Observateur.