MICHAEL KIRAL / L’Observateur / May 27, 2000

Good morning, I represent the firm of Hitt, Hard and Howe and I’m here today to defend my clients, the baseballs currently being used in Major League Baseball.

You see, there is something of a smear campaign going on against my clients right now. You would think they were politicians or something.They stand accused of being the major reason why scoring is so up in the Major Leagues this season. Sandy Alderson, executive vice president foroperations for Major League Baseball even went down to Costa Rica to see if balls were being wound tighter this year.

Well, you would be wound tighter too if you were being held by Jose Lima and Mark McGwire was at the plate. How do you think it feels beingcrushed by 200-plus pounds of pure muscle? Flying 500-plus feet through the air and crashing into a facade in the upper deck. Or being dunked intoSan Francisco Bay by Barry Bonds? That is not exactly the warm waters off the coast of Florida, let me tell you. Or worst of all, being driven intothe bleachers in Wrigley Field by a Cubs’ opponent (a common occurrence this season). You saw what they did to Chad Kreuter to get his cap. Ishudder to think what would happen to that ball.

This is not the first time that my clients have gone through such allegations. It seems every couple of years or so, we have to defendourselves against such attacks. They say my clients are “juiced.” Juiced?Us? Have you seen the Indians’ lineup lately? Or the A’s? Or the Cardinals’? Or the Devil Rays’? There are not exactly a lot of “Mini Me’s” there. Their bat boys are probably six-foot, 240 pounds who carry the batslike toothpicks.

Oh, then there’s the theory that my clients are easier to see this year because of all the writing on them. Please. My clients have gone throughenough already. I mean, how would you feel going through life having BudSelig’s signature on you? My clients have taken abuse for years. Ballplayers get to go out on thefield wearing freshly cleaned uniforms. The baseballs on the other handare rubbed down with mud before a game, taking the shine off them. Howare they supposed to attract the women? It’s bad enough they have to go around with the nickname “the old horsehide”.

And who’s the biggest complainers about my clients? Pitchers. That’s agood one. These are the same people who through the years have roughed upmy fellow baseballs, spitting on them, smearing them with vaseline, cutting them with razors and driving BBs under their covers. Then there’sthose dang knuckleballers, digging their fingernails into their skins.

And the kicker is, if the pitcher doesn’t like the feel of my clients, they reject them. Do you realize what it does to the old self-esteem to berejected by a pitcher with an 8.00 earned run average and who should bepitching hamburgers instead at the local McDonalds? Then there are pitchers like San Diego’s Sterling Hitchcock who talks to my clients, telling them to go foul. Hey, if you have something to say tothem, talk to me first. You just hung them out to dry and now you wantthem to listen to you? I don’t think so.

Sure, some of my clients get to be famous. The one who sailed over thefence in St. Louis in 1998 for McGwire’s 70th home run is worth over $3million. A select few even get to be showcased in Cooperstown. But themajority of them are doomed to obscurity, either residing in some lucky fan’s home who got their hands on them or worse yet, relegated to being batting practice balls. Now there’s a profession for you. It ranks right upthere with those ink-stained know-it-alls who sit up in the press box, blaming the baseball for all the problems in the world.

So cut my clients some slack. The next time you catch them, treat themgently. Remember, if it wasn’t for them, baseball would just be a bunch ofguys standing around.

And don’t even get me started about what some of my other clients, golf balls, have to put up with.

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