Dazed and Confused

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, January 5, 2000

LEE DRESSELHAUS / L’Observateur / January 5, 2000

So… I was right. And now I have proof. Idiots are everywhere. In fact, there are even more that even I eversuspected. Apparently idiots permeate every aspect of our society and arein great numbers. We have been overrun with them. It’s alarming. If youdon’t believe me just go to one of those mega-size book stores and browse around a bit.

I was in one of those stores the other night. You know the type of store,with miles of books, a coffee shop in case you want to look cool and impress someone and read something while you drink a ridiculously-priced cup of coffee, and some disinterested kid to help you find stuff. While Iwas browsing I began to notice something astonishing. There is aComplete Idiot’s Guide to just about everything.

In each and every section there is one of those orange-covered books designed to help idiots get through their everyday trials and tribulations.

There was a Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating. In the same section, so Iassume it goes with it, there is a Complete Idiot’s Guide to Self Analysis.

Imagine getting both of those as a Christmas or birthday gift. That wouldmake you feel really, really good about yourself now, wouldn’t it? I’d be downright insulted. Especially if you got them from two differentpeople.

Throw in the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Make-Up and you’ve got a total picture of a hopeless, homely loser with personality issues who can’t get a date. Without resorting to kidnapping, hypnosis or knock-out drops, thatis.

Speaking of hypnosis, there is actually a Complete Idiot’s Guide to Hypnosis. Who would need something like that, besides the guy I justdescribed in the above paragraph, I mean? If you see anyone buying the Complete Idiot’s Guide To Dating and the Complete Idiot’s Guide To Hypnosis at the same time, stay away from him and contact the authorities immediately.

Then there is the Complete Idiot’s Guide To Self-Defense. And theComplete Idiot’s Guide To Karate. I’ll bet you can learn just about enoughfrom those two books to really get your butt stomped good. What are yougoing to do when confronted with a hostile situation, ask some neckless Neanderthal to wait just a minute so you can see what it says on page 62 about all this? Oh, wait, I forgot. This is the IDIOT’S guide to self-defense. If you weren’t an idiot you wouldn’t have bought it in the firstplace.

Nevermind.

One of my favorites is the Complete Idiot’s Guide To Quilting. I didn’tmake that up. I’ll bet nothing would warm ol’ Grandma’s heart better thangetting a copy of that for Christmas. How would you approach giving herthat? Would tell her that the quilt she made you last year just didn’t make it and maybe she oughtta check into this little thing here. It’s for idiots,so maybe even she can catch on. If anybody out there gives their Grandmathat book for Christmas I hope she whomps him like Granny Clampett whomps Jethro.

Being a practical guy who has a strong instinct for self-preservation, I’m afraid I would have to turn down an invitation to go boating with anyone who buys a copy of the Complete Idiot’s Guide To Sailing. And I’m not goinganywhere near anyone who has to go get himself a copy of the Complete Idiot’s Guide To Hunting. What’s wrong with that picture? This guy isgoing to put real bullets in a real gun and tromp off into the woods to shoot things. The above mentioned highly developed instinct for self-preservation starts screaming like a air-raid siren at the mere thought of being around idiots with guns. Note to idiots: Leave the guns alone. Please.Also, a word of advice for employers. I noticed several Complete Idiot’sGuides that cover the job search area. If you interview someone whobrings a copy of the Complete Idiot’s Guide To Writing Resumes or its companion book, Job Interviews For Dummies, to the interview, don’t hire them. They’re either an idiot or a dummy, and they got the book to prove it.I’d feel awkward just buying a book that designated me as an idiot. Unlessof course I could tell the clerk and anyone in line with me that it’s just a gift for an idiot I know, really.

There is an exception to that rule, however. One area that has a bunch ofIdiot’s Guides was the computer area. Now, I understand that one. Becauseeven if you’re not already an idiot, nothing will reduce you into slobbering, slackjawed, hollow-eyed idiotdom any faster than a computer as you stare at a blank screen while futilely poking at your keyboard and asking yourself over and over again, “What did I do? What did I do?” I’ll take any help I can get with computers, even an Idiot’s Guide. Everybodyunderstands.

Anyway, there seems to be an Idiot’s Guide to just about everything. AndI’ll bet they sold a bunch of them for Christmas. Although I’d have beencareful about who I gave one to.

People can be sensitive about things like that.

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