Lee Dresselhaus / L’Observateur / June 30, 1999

So..that’s it. I’ve finally decided what I want to do when I grow up. I wantto start my own toy company. Yep. What I’m going to do is create tastelessdolls and action figures that are the absolute worst things you ever laid your eyes on. Then I’m “accidentally” going to distribute them to toystores everywhere. When horrified parents see Junior with one of my dollsand the ensuing brouhaha begins, I’m going to say, “Oops, sorry. Can’timagine how THAT happened! It wasn’t supposed to be that version of the doll on the toy store shelves. That’s the adult version. I’ll fix it rightaway!” And after I get tons of free publicity from every aspect of the media from your local paper to the internet including the great god of media, television I’ll do just that. I’ll replace the offensive doll with the”G” rated version. And now that my tasteless toy (Hmmmm..TastelessToys, Inc. Kinda has a ring to it, eh?) is guaranteed sales in the tens ofthousands thanks to the ever-cooperative media, I’ll put it where it was supposed to go in the first place. Which in the case of the Austin Powersdoll, was record stores and places like that. Not Toys R Us. Oops.Have you seen that thing? It’s a semi-nude Austin Powers with a sweater of matted chest hair that looks a little like the weird hairy guy that lived down the street when I was a kid. And it’s asking if you’d like a shag, baby.Once again, since this is a family newspaper I’m really restricted as to how detailed I can be when I explain just what a shag is. Suffice to saythat its British slang and has nothing to do with a rug or that monkey like hair on the doll’s chest.

Anyway, the manufacturers, McFarlane Toys, says that the doll was only supposed to be available at record stores and novelty shops, and they just don’t know how this could have happened.

Thats what I’d say, too.

I’d say, “Sorry. Really. Honest.” And remove it from the toy stores. Whilesnickering into my hand as I counted the cash from the dramatically increased sales of the doll. Or action figure. Whatever. Clever lads, thoseMcFarlane boys.

And of course McFarlane isn’t alone in the recent controversy concerning dolls. Action figures. Whatever. That great icon of American family values,Disney, just received unfriendly fire because of its newest toy, the Tarzan doll. It seems that this little item not only yells the Tarzan yell when youpush a button or pull a string or something, it also pumps its hand at waist level in a somewhat lewd gesture. I suspect that in this case thegesture was not intended to resemble anything offensive, but in our hypersensitive society it got the same type of attention the Austin Powers doll (action figure, whatever) did. The result will probably be thesame. Even though Disney pulled the doll from the shelves and replaced itwith another version, you can bet there was a scramble to get that thing before it disappeared. Why? Because it suddenly became a collectors item,thats why.

Which brings me back to my new idea, Tasteless Toys, Inc.

After much thought I’ve decided that my first doll (action figure, whatever) should be the Bachelor Party Barbie. Can’t get into detail hereabout just what this one is all about, but you get the picture. Anyway, I’ll”accidentally” distribute it to various toy store chains, and when the nationwide media howls begin, I’ll say, “Oops. Now, how did THAThappen?” And I’ll pull it after much fanfare and publicity. And increasedsales.

And after further careful consideration, I’ve decided that I should jump on the present wrestling bandwagon since that seems to be the latest TV fad.

I’ll introduce wrestling action figures (dolls, whatever). The first in mynew line will be the Jerry “Sluggo” Falwell figure, versus the Al “Lumpy” Sharpton wrestling figure. Both will be costumed in sunglasses, Speedos,and those weird little high boots the wrestlers seem to be fond of for some reason. Go figure. Anyway, when you pull their string the Falwellwrestling figure says (in a loud wrestler-style voice) ” Everybody’s gay except ME!” The Sharpton figure will say (again in that aggressively loud wrestler growl) “I’m a victim! I’m a victim!” Just imagine the fun when these two go at it.

I’ll sell a million of them. Theyll be very popular, along with my CrackheadKen figure. Pull his string and he steals something from you. And by the way, I’ve decided to change the name of my line of toys from Tasteless Toys, Inc., to Piglet Productions. Why? Because if the real toymanufacturers can get rich by shoving their snouts into the trough of tastelessness and get away with it, why can’t I? There seems to be plenty of room at the trough.

Lee Dresselhaus is a regular columnist for L’Observateur

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