By Lee Dresselhaus / L’Observateur / March 10, 1999

So….once again I read in a newspaper about another alarming trend. Itseems that a group (or maybe it’s groups, plural) of folks are organizing protests concerning the way animals are treated in this country. It seemsthat they are concerned that we, as a society, do not treat animals with the degree of consideration that they are due, and we exploit these creatures for our own wicked purposes. These highly moral people havebeen going around releasing mink from their cages on fur farms, and freeing lab rats from evil cosmetic firms bent on applying too much eye shadow, or perhaps the wrong shade of lipstick to their furry rodent faces.

These same people, henceforth known as The Animal People, also will spray red paint on your very expensive fur coat if you have the audacity to wear such an item in public. This is to show their displeasure toward youas an animal exploiter extraordinaire, and to show that they are actually making A Stand.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t condone hurting any kind of animal,except maybe the Hansons, but I have a small problem with a part of this issue, and that part has to do with consistency.

If you are going to protest the exploitation of animals, let’s include all animals.

If The Animal People are really, really concerned about the exploitation of animals and they want to express this by the grandiose gesture of freeing exploited critters, then why not include all the animals we exploit in our daily lives? What I’m saying, in my own inept way is, simply this…..Ifyou’re really concerned about exploited animals, how come I haven’t read about you visiting one of our midwest hog farms and freeing the suffering masses of piggies from the misery of the corporate hog wallow? Why haven’t any of you bold protesters thrown open the gates to their sty and assisted them in a flight to freedom? You could shackle yourselves to one and run away together like Sidney Portier and Tony Curtis in The Defiant Ones. You could even argue about who gets to be Sidney and who gets to beTony.

And how come I’ve never heard of you slipping into a Wisconsin dairy farm in the middle of the night in your designer jammies, opening the barn door and and telling the Holsteins, ” Run my children! Run like the wind!” Which brings up a small, debatable issue. I have to agree about the cow thing.They should be free. Who needs the modern convenience of pre-packagedmeats? As a wise friend of mine once said…..If you want fresh beef youshould have to go out and hunt it down like a real man. Oh, sure they’reslow and stupid now, but give them just a couple of seasons. They’ll catchon.

Tell me that didn’t give you some interesting mental pictures.

To be fair, I can understand why The Animal People don’t visit the huge poultry farms to free all of those exploited chickens. It’s out of sheerconcern for the safety of the general public. Nothing is more dangerousthan a freed, exploited chicken. The Animal People don’t want to beresponsible for any damage the chickens may do, or what they may reveal on Jerry Springer or Jenny Jones. There would be no end to the madness.There is one possibility, however, concerning the reason that critters like lab rats and farmed mink get all the consideration from The Animal People, and animals destined for the slaughterhouse like pigs, cows and chickens get none.

Nobody eats lab rats or mink. Pigs, cows, and chickens on the other handcan be darned tasty and are commonly accepted as part of the three major food groups.

Beyond the occasional token protest, which generally takes place in the shape of some vague, half-hearted and often temporary declaration of vegetarianism, The Animal People seem to totally disregard the creatures we use as a food source. Why? Because that would really complicate theirneat little version of How Things Should Be, wouldn’t it? Do we express our concern for the creatures that share this planet with us before or after we finish our bacon and eggs, or do we wait for lunch and weep over our Big Macs? Would extra Special Sauce ease the pulse of a throbbing conscience brought on by a healthy case of hypocrisy? I don’t think so.

Then, what is the answer? That’s easy…..Ignore the situation entirely. Make your statement in the easiest, mostconvenient way possible. Free vermin and weasels, not food sources. Sprayred paint on a $3000.00 coat belonging to someone you don’t know and whonever did anything to you, then run away in your cross trainers with the All Leather Uppers.

I would suggest to all you protesting Animal People that there are also other worthy, disagreeable things out there that you could protest, like wrestling on pay-per-view, Jesse Helms, the fact that the Pentagon produces planes that cost a billion – that’s right, a billion dollars each – and the Hansons. Not to harp on a subject, but if I hear those shrill,squeaky-voiced pseudo -wanna be – imitation – mini – musicians one more time, I think I’ll find myself a lab rat to torture.

Just kidding. Please don’t spray paint me.

Lee Dresselhaus is a regular columnist for L’Observateur.

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